COLUMBIA, MO — An extended court battle concluded this week when local content creator Jake Campbell's defense attorneys failed to convince judges to commute his sentence. Campbell has been found guilty of filming a full reaction video that added nothing of value to the video to which he was reacting.
"This court holds you in lower esteem than the most abominably low-quality influencers, Mr. Campbell – you uploaded a reaction video without adding anything of value. For this, we hereby sentence you to life in prison without the possibility of parole." Eyewitnesses confirm that jury members broke into spontaneous applause as District Judge Ralph Abernathy banged his gavel multiple times and handed down his ruling, with the cheering slowing down only after the bailiff had dragged away the defendant.
Jake Campbell's 3-minute reaction video features him giving an impassive "reaction" while his split-screen shows several industrial accidents, a semi-truck crash, a ping-pong ball trick shot, an outdoor Rube Goldberg machine, and a pneumatic drill crushing marbles. Campbell's stone-faced countenance was captured by press photographers as he entered the courtroom, where protesters restrained by a police barricade were hurling "low-value content" insults at the creator.
New legislation has outlined clear requirements for reaction videos, enumerating that more than 10% of the reaction video must be unique facial expressions or relevant commentary, with at least 2 seconds of the video playing before the creator pauses it to add commentary. Breaking these rubrics earns stiff penalties, including mandatory minimum sentences for bored expressions, re-used reactions, or not allowing the video sufficient momentum before interjecting.
Additional penalties in the new legislation include the death penalty for video creators who demand that their viewers "wait for it" during inane setups with lackluster payoffs or "view part 2 to see the end."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
