NEW YORK, NY — Political commentator Megyn Kelly quietly tossed her pager in the trash this week in what her team described as "an abundance of caution."
After being drawn into controversy online as part of the ongoing debate within the political right over the U.S.'s relationship with the nation of Israel, Kelly thought twice about continuing to carry her pager with her everywhere.
"Ms. Kelly has no fear that she's in any danger from platforming antisemites, but out of an abundance of caution, we've advised her to throw away her pager," Kelly spokeswoman Marla Beecher said in a written statement. "Ms. Kelly has no known associations with members of Hamas, but just in case, we told her to throw it away, preferably in a trash receptacle far, far away."
Kelly has reportedly carried a pager on her person every day since junior high and had stubbornly refused to stop doing so, despite advancements in communication technology. With the threat posed by exploding pagers, her team finally persuaded her to get rid of it.
"It's tough to give it up after so many years," Kelly said. "You can never be too safe these days. From what I've seen, being opposed to Israel and carrying a pager can be a dangerous combination. Plus, it's 2025, so pagers don't really serve any purpose."
At publishing time, the garbage container outside Kelly's studio had been destroyed in a mysterious explosion.
Congress is preparing to make some big changes!