DALLAS, TX — The children's pastor of Flame Passion Born Again Friends Fellowship Church caught the community's attention after she gave an inspiring children's church teaching that was once again jam-packed with heresies.
A popular children's church pastor for kids who are under age 6, Stacey Ventura gained the trust of all the parents to always be there on Sunday to take their annoying children off their hands so that they could get their lattes and pay attention in "big church" without any distractions, even if she tended to fill her classes with egregious heresy.
"Yeah I thought my kids were just playing games and maybe eating some goldfish crackers," said Andrea Stevens, mother of 2 children in Ventura's class. "I had no idea that Stacey was trying to teach my kids crazy ideas like how the persons of the Trinity are like a three-leaf clover or could be thought of in the same way that water exists in the three states of liquid, ice, and vapor. Really problematic teachings, but the kids sure seem to have a lot of fun."
Flame Passion's pastoral staff reviewed security footage of Stacey's heresy-filled sermon and came away shocked but also a little impressed to find that she taught no less than 37 distinct heresies condemned by the universal church including, but not limited to, adoptionism, Arianism, partialism, Sabellianism, tritheism, docetism, Marcionism, pelagianism, Nestorianism, monophysitism, Apollinarianism, gnosticism, and monothelitism — all in less than one hour of story time.
At publishing time, the staff of Flame Passion Born Again Friends Fellowship Church was trying to decide if it was more important to replace Ventura or restructure the youth ministry to be less about teaching and more about party games and pizza.
Congress is preparing to make some big changes!
