SANTA BARBARA, CA — Meghan Markle, beloved American princess and thespian, announced Friday that her husband Prince Harry would soon begin a lengthy and painful transition into Princess Harriet, a decision he made of his own free will without any coercion whatsoever.
The announcement was made as part of a press conference for the release of Spare, Prince Harry's heartbreaking memoir that was definitely not ghostwritten by his wife.
Markle answered nearly all questions from the press but did allow her husband to give a prepared statement.
"I am Prince Henry Charles Albert David, duke of Sussex, Earl of Dumbarton, Baron Kilkeel no more," the 38-year-old prince read off a piece of paper. "From this day forth, I shall be known as Princess Harriet of Santa Barbara."
Witnesses report the bearded princess then turned to his wife for loving support. "Did I read that right? Please love me."
"Oh and this decision has nothing to do with Meghan. It's all me. I'm a pretty girl," he quickly added after Markle began prodding him with a stick.
According to sources, the two princesses intend to go on a second honeymoon once Harry's transformation into Harriet is complete. They have asked for privacy during this period since it will be the subject of a new Netflix documentary and they want to avoid spoilers.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.