AUSTIN, TX — Parents were called after an incident at Rosa Parks MLK Harvey Milk Elementary today in which several bullies stuffed 3rd-grader Lance Biggens into a locker after the student refused to give them his pronouns.
"Hey, you! Loser! What are your pronouns, NERD?" said one of the bullies to Biggens, according to sources. "Ha! I'll bet he has boring cis-male pronouns like a total dork! Hahahahaha!"
Police reports say that a crowd then gathered to see if the boy would answer.
"UP YOURS, WOKE MORALISTS!" said Biggens, imitating something he saw his Dad watching on YouTube once. "My pronouns are self-evident as I am clearly a biological male, and I refuse to bow to the unproven, pseudoscientific ideology you are attempting to force on me! GET STUFFED!"
The angry mob, assisted by several elementary teachers, then dumped out his bookbag and stuffed Biggens into one of the nearby lockers while chanting "LOVE IS LOVE!" over and over again.
At publishing time, the police had arrived to remove the trapped boy from the locker but decided to leave him there after hearing he was a bigot.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.