CAPE CANAVERAL, FL — Russell Patrick has been doing the same job for NASA for over 50 years, though he's gotten little recognition despite the essential service he provides.
"I don't need praise," Patrick says. "I just need to know our men and women in space are safe."
It's Patrick's job, just before a launch, to thoroughly check a rocket or shuttle to make sure no axe murderer has stowed himself aboard.
Early on in the space program, NASA identified the risk of having an axe murderer sneak into a space mission. "It's not like we can send the police to come help," said former Chief Flight Director Gene Kranz in a now-public memo. "Plus, the astronauts have lots of sensitive, precise instructions to follow, which is only made harder when dodging a maniac with an axe. Furthermore, we don't have enough air for the extra stowaway."
Because of how large this potential problem is, Patrick says he always checks and double-checks all the potential compartments on a rocket for places an axe murderer could hide. "There are more places than you'd think an axe murderer could hide, especially if it's a particularly small axe murderer, like an evil Gimli."
Patrick hasn't only worked for NASA. He's also done his service in the private sector for SpaceX. "Part of making Starlink satellites such an affordable solution is that we don't build them thick enough to be axe-resistant," Elon Musk once explained. "Thus, we can't afford to have an axe murderer aboard who might damage one of our satellites."
At publishing time, Patrick confirmed that he had also inspected this week's Artemis II mission to make sure no axe murderer was going to make the multi-day trip to the moon (he only found a Canadian who apparently was supposed to be there). And thanks to his service, all U.S. space missions have continued to be axe murderer-free. Except that one time.
Do you think you can guess which one is the terrorist?
