U.S.—The nation's media outlets announced they were grieving today as an armed citizen stopped a mass shooting.
"We grieve that this tragedy we could have exploited for weeks on end was stopped by a good guy with a gun," said one teary-eyed MSNBC reporter on the scene. "Our thoughts and prayers are with the shooter."
"We are absolutely heartbroken and in shock over here," said one New York Times journalist. "What could have given us weeks and weeks of frothing-at-the-mouth stories about gun control will now have to be suppressed since it does not align with our agenda."
News outlets also reminded the nation that they reserve the right to immediately bury mass shooting stories that don't help push their agenda.
Outlets like CNN, MSNBC, and ABC News confirmed that they carefully look over the facts of a given case to see if it lines up with the correct opinions before deciding to push it incessantly for weeks on end.
"While we usually would exploit a tragedy like this to push our gun control agenda, in this case, the facts don't really help us," said CNN reporter Bob Costanza, after a recent shooting was shut down by a citizen with a gun. "It's tragic that it ended that way, because we really could have gotten a lot of mileage out of that bad boy."
The media didn't even try to find children who were present during the shooting to parade around talk shows and put on the covers of magazines for a full year this time around.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.