U.S.—News media outlets around the country were reportedly astonished to discover a Christian school at which second lady Karen Pence is teaching holds their students and staff to Christian beliefs.

Expert journalists went to great lengths to uncover this story, unveiling the shocking revelation that a Christian woman teaches at a Christian school that affirms Christian doctrine on human sexuality that has been unchanged for 2,000 years.

"It is the current year, and Christian schools still have the nerve to teach Christian things," said a CNN commentator. "I will now glare at the camera in silence for the remainder of the program so you know just how upset I am by this." He only lasted 3 minutes, however, before going on a tirade about something Trump said on Twitter.

"We don't hate Christians," said a writer for one left-leaning blog. "We just hate Christians who believe Christian things."