BRENTSVILLE, AR—Sources within Horizon Community Church confirmed Thursday that the congregation's children's ministry handbook has been replaced by a well-worn copy of Lord of the Flies.
The church chose the book so that children's ministry volunteers would be equipped to deal with murderous kids, attempted coups, and ambitious youngsters who try to take over the class by wielding a conch.
"It should be particularly effective in preparing our workers for the three- and four-year-olds' class," said children's minister Marcia Pendleton. "The old book just kind of had our basic curriculum, some teaching guidelines, our biblical standards---but it wasn't enough to prepare teachers for the horrors that go on in some of the younger classes."
"The things I've seen..." she trailed off and wandered away, as though staring at some unseen horror.
At publishing time, the church had further recommended that children's ministry teachers call for help should any of the kids in their class mount a pig's head on a spike