U.S. — After John Durham's newly released report confirmed the Trump-Russia collusion narrative was entirely fabricated, several notable media figures admitted they lied to the American people for 3 years but promised that they're totally telling the truth about everything else.
"I would never lie to the American people. Except for that one time. That doesn't count," said CBS News Anchor Scott Pelley. "Just look at how serious and trustworthy my face is. Look at my sincere gaze as I stare soulfully into the camera and deliver my prepared lines with the gravitas of a real truth-teller. Come on!"
"You can still trust us," agreed CNN Anchor and part-time anonymous message board foot model Jake Tapper. "Even though we divided the country in hatred and anger for three years to try to destroy Trump over a false narrative, and then continued to do so even after we found out it was fake, and then insulted the intelligence of everyone who was skeptical about what we were saying, it doesn't mean we would ever lie to you or anything."
Media-approved anonymous sources claim that 10 out of 10 media experts agree that in spite of the lies about Trump and Russia, Americans should still unquestionably believe every claim the media makes about Ukraine, COVID, domestic terrorism, the 2020 election, and who is a racist and who isn't.
At publishing time, Joy Reid also chimed in, saying everyone who doesn't agree with her is a racist.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
