WASHINGTON, D.C.—After years of faithfully serving as Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell has returned to the sea to live out the rest of his life as a turtle, his work on dry land now complete.
"It's been the honor of my life to serve this country, but it's time to return to the vast, wild ocean where I belong," said McConnell. "I miss the freedom, the serenity, and the delicious fresh squid. Farewell!"
McConnell then shuffled slowly across the sand towards the water. With one final look back at the shores of America, the majestic creature sank into the roiling briny depths of the ocean.
Some people say they can still hear his mournful voice as it's carried across the waves on a stormy day. Others claim to have seen the old senator, happily swimming with his sea turtle family.
Witnesses say that if you sprinkle a tiny bit of cocaine in the water off the coast of Virginia, he will appear.
Farewell, Cocaine Mitch.