LAUREL, MT — Thanks to precautionary measures followed strictly by local man Heber Boarwinkle, the dangerous airborne COVID-19 virus was unable to spread to his masked chin.

"Masking just works, as can be exemplified by Mr. Boarwinkle's COVID-free chin," said CDC Director Dr. Rachel Walensky during a press event celebrating the drastic reduction in infected chins thanks to an increase in chin-masking. "Hospitalizations from COVID-related chin illnesses are at an astounding 0%."

Dr. Walensky went on, citing record low hospitalizations for COVID on necks from masks dangling from one ear, for COVID in purses containing masks, and for people who changed their license plates to spell out a variation of "MA5K5 4EVA."

At publishing time, Mr. Boarwinkle had been hospitalized due to complications from having COVID-19 everywhere in his body except his chin.

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