NEW YORK, NY—In a move to make Captain America more appealing to a modern audience, Marvel announced Monday the iconic comic and film character will be rebooted as Captain Globalism.
"The very idea of America is offensive and outdated," said a Marvel rep. "There are billions of people who weren't able to relate to Captain America because of his triggering name and crude stars-and-stripes-colored uniform and shield. They'll feel much more at home with Cap now that his goal is to break down all borders and unite everybody under a New World Order."
The reboot will include several new runs of comics, including Captain Globalism: The Death to America Saga, The Hero Formerly Known as Captain America, and Captain Globalism Beats Himself With a Stick to Atone for His Past Crimes Against Humanity.
Cap will no longer punch anybody, but will simply use diplomacy to solve problems. He will call things "problematic" and say things like "this ain't it, chief" on Twitter to accomplish his goals. In one scene from Death to America Vol. 1, Steve Rogers encounters a reincarnated Red Skull, who is raising up an army of zombie terrorists to blow up America. Rogers simply smiles, puts a hand on Skull's shoulder, and says, "Friend, I'm with you to the end of the line."
Comics featuring the new, friendlier Cap are available for all people who hate America now, with feature films coming later this year.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.