BUTTE, MT—A local man’s Left Behind book collection has vanished without a trace in an apparent rapture, sources confirmed early Monday.
Once arrayed across the top shelf of the most prominent bookcase in his living room, end-time enthusiast Garrett Seville had prized his complete set ever since the release of the consummating volume Kingdom Come on Tuesday, April 3, 2007. Church members say he camped outside of Family Christian Stores for a copy, even though there was no line.
“No one has influenced my life more than Tim LaHaye, Jesus Christ, and Jerry B. Jenkins,” a despondent Seville told reporters. “The Left Behind canon made me more rapture ready than even Daniel or Revelations.”
It appears a literary rapture was the one thing missing on Seville’s prophecy chart. “It’s a shocker, for sure,” he confessed. “I was ready for the church to get snatched, not my books. At least they won’t have to be here for the tribulation.”
Seville’s once mapped-out future is less certain now. “It’s hard to say how things will play out. All I know is 1995—2007 was one of God’s best dispensations. I had 16 page-turners to prove it.”
At publishing time, Seville had carefully locked up his Left Behind VHS tapes to ensure they wouldn’t be taken as well.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.