EXCELSIOR SPRINGS, MO — An otherwise non-descript morning was made exponentially better for a local man today, as he woke up from an awesome dream in which he was on Jeopardy and the final clue was "This monkey-lizard creature sat next to Jabba the Hutt and served as his laughing jester."
Though Tim Harlan was disappointed when he realized it was all a dream, he was amused and ready to face the rest of the day after the fantasy gave him the opportunity to put his encyclopedic Star Wars knowledge to good use.
"I'll wager $40,000, Alex!" Harlan shouted excitedly in his dream.
"Who is Salacious B. Crumb?" Harlan answered before waking up. "Ah… wait… man, it was just a dream. That sure was totally awesome, though. Alex Trebek was still alive! I always knew it would pay off someday to know the names of obscure, minor characters from the Star Wars universe. That dream was confirmation!"
Harlan spent decades accumulating vast amounts of Star Wars anecdotes and committing them to memory with the hope that the information would someday be useful. "I'm ready when the day comes," he said. "There may not be a ton of math or science facts in my brain, but whenever someone asks me who the leader of the Ewoks was, I've got it."
"It's Chief Chirpa, by the way."
At publishing time, Harlan acknowledged that while the odds of receiving a Star Wars-related clue if he were to appear on Jeopardy were extremely slim, he would continue to hold out hope. "You never know," he said. "Sometimes dreams come true."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
