BEAVER, OK — Local Christian Jacob Slorp found himself in yet another predicament that sadly prevented him from feeding his soul with a daily dose of the Word of God. In what could only be described as Christian persecution, he was unable to read the Bible as it was way over there on the shelf.
"I mean, Job's got nothing on me," said Slorp with a loud sigh as he sat in his recliner scrolling Instagram while his wife cooked up a casserole. "Why, oh why do such bad things happen to good people?"
Slorp is not alone in being a victim of Satan's devious efforts to keep the Bible from being read, as men and women across America often find themselves as far as 12 feet away from the Word of God with no solution in sight.
Many victims of Satan's wiley machinations have openly called for other ways to access the Bible using smartphones, audio files, or other blessings of modern technology. So far, these solutions seem to have little effect on the spiritual health of Christians in America.
Through prayerful meditation, Slorp had eventually remembered how to close Instagram on his phone and then open one of his seven Bible apps to read the words of Jesus, only to learn it was dinner time.
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