PHOENIX, AZ — Deacons reportedly uncovered an elaborate tunnel running underneath a local church property Monday. They believe it was the work of one man who really hates interacting with church greeters.
According to sources, church member Eddie Salzburg spent approximately six years digging the tunnel from the church parking lot to the sanctuary for the sole purpose of avoiding all forced human interaction on the way to the service.
"Seems like overkill," said Deacon Chase Brown to reporters. "But you really have to admire his dedication."
"I'm a little offended," said Eric Wilson, a volunteer church greeter who has been volunteering for 15 years. "I just want people to feel welcome."
The tunnel itself features wooden beams to support the tunnel walls and a modest lighting system. Also discovered was a pet canary presumably used to monitor oxygen levels.
"I just really didn't want to shake hands," said Salzburg. "It makes me feel awkward. Digging a tunnel is better."
At publishing time, the tunnel had been taken over by the church to use as storage for VBS decorations.
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