GRAND CEDAR, OR - Local man Henry Paulson is pretty sure he's one of the elect despite showing no signs of repentance, faith, love for the believers, love for God, desire to read God's Word, or sanctification. "Yeah, I'm a Calvinist," he told reporters. "And I'm pretty confident that I'm one of God's elect chosen ones, like the Bible says pretty clearly in there. I mean, I don't act like one or anything. But I've got a cool beard and a lot of theology books. I drink craft IPAs. I argue about theology in a Facebook group sometimes. So yeah, I think I've made my point." Sources confirmed that Paulson doesn't regularly gather with God's people, doesn't ever pray or read his Bible, and never feels the Holy Spirit convicting him of sin. "Sure, that's all true. But I prayed this prayer when I was five. I signed a little paper and everything. Once saved, always saved. I think that's one of the five solas."
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.