CORPUS CHRISTI, TX - After an agonizing three-hour altar call at the end of last Sunday's service, a brave parishioner walked down the aisle to put the poor thing out of its misery. Sources confirmed that Gary Anderson, 23, courageously stood up and volunteered to recommit his life to Christ as the pastor whispered for the 93rd time, "I just know there's one more out there. We have one more that God wants to reach today. We can wait."

"I just did what anyone else would have done for me," the quiet, reserved Anderson said. "I'm no hero."

But his fellow church members disagree. Wiping a tear from her eye, 79-year-old Gertrude Tanner expressed her deepest appreciation. "In all my life, I haven't seen such a selfless act of gratitude. We were all touched by his sacrifice. This is what the church is all about."

"I had forgotten to set my DVR to record the golf tourney, so yeah, I was nervous," another churchgoer revealed to reporters. "But since Gary jumped on the proverbial grenade, I got home just in time to catch the entire final round. Thanks, brother."

Anderson went on to pray the sinner's prayer and sit through a 90-minute New Life class for the eleventh time.