NASHVILLE, TN—Local man Jonathan Ryder announced Wednesday he was humbled and honored to have finally received his spiritual gift: the "really important, highly significant" gift of stacking chairs after service.
As Ryder's church meets in an elementary school, the spiritual gift is super-important for the local expression of the body of Christ.
"I don't know why the Lord chose me to be the one to have this rare, one-of-a-kind spiritual gift, but I'm humbled and will use it to the best of my ability," he said. "With great power comes great responsibility. Bibleman said that---or was that Larry Boy? I don't remember, but it was one of them."
As soon as a service is concluded, Ryder jumps into action, shoving old ladies and small children off the church's seats so he can begin stacking them in neat rows. He also watches other congregants like a hawk, tackling "uppity" high school kids who try to encroach on his turf by carrying more chairs than he can. He also stares passive-aggressively at congregants who leave their Bibles or a coffee sitting on a chair long after the service concludes, as he is unable to unleash his spiritual gift of stacking.
"Sometimes these kids stack them backward or make uneven rows. And they don't know the first thing about efficiency."
Ryder still has not received the spiritual gift of wrapping sound cables.