LITTLE ROCK, AR — A local conservative man was struck by a sudden feeling of dread while checking out his annual "Year in Review" notification from Spotify, believing he would be horribly embarrassed if the knowledge of how prominently Taylor Swift featured in the list were to be obtained by the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
"I don't even know how I would explain this," said Darrel Hankins as he looked through his favorites from 2023. "I mean, look at this. It's almost all Tay-Tay... um, I mean, Taylor Swift. What kind of man could I claim to be if the FBI or any intelligence agencies find this out? Any reputation I have as a strong conservative would be ruined. But, gosh, I just love those songs. You slay, T-Swizzle!"
The team of FBI agents holed up in a nondescript, unmarked van down the street agreed. "Yeah, he's not the masculine, dangerous patriot we suspected he was," said Agent Vance Gray after eavesdropping on Darrel's comments. "We had reports he is a Christian man, married, has kids, and votes for Republicans. When we intercepted his Spotify ‘Year in Review' list, we were surprised, to say the least."
At publishing time, while still unaware that he has been under FBI surveillance since the COVID-19 pandemic began and he made social media posts expressing skepticism of the vaccine, Darrel was now convinced he would have to change his ways in 2024. "As much as it pains me, no more Taylor Swift next year," he said. "It's got to be all death metal and Jason Aldean from here on out."
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.