PORTLAND, ME—Moments after posting on his social media accounts that he was resolving to refrain from arguing on the internet anymore, local man Will Peters was reportedly drawn into a knock-down, drag-out fight in the comments of his Facebook post, sources confirmed.
“LET IT BE KNOWN: From this moment forth I will no longer be wasting my time engaging in pointless arguments on social media!” he posted at 8:02 a.m. Tuesday, mere minutes before his first internet fight of the day would kick off in earnest in the comments underneath the declaration.
The digital altercation allegedly began when an online acquaintance replied to his resolution with the accusation that he was “just tired of losing debates,” causing Peters to return fire by insulting the man’s political beliefs, alma mater, and “stupid profile picture.”
Witnesses claim several other commenters jumped into the fray, including Peters’ distant Aunt Edna, his mother, and several people he wasn’t even sure he remembered ever friending on the social media network.
At publishing time, Peters was involved in a multi-front war, fighting off flat-earthers on one post, Trump supporters on another, and far-left radicals on Twitter.