WELLS, NV — After hearing a strange clicking sound emanating from his 2013 Ford Taurus, local man Derrick Snodgram popped the car's hood, thus exhausting his knowledge of how cars work.

"It's still clicking," said Snodgram after doing nothing but stare at the clicking engine while on the phone with his brother who once got an old moped working in high school, which, to the man staring at the foreign guts of his car, was akin to a doctorate in car mechanicology. "But it clicks softer sometimes. What do you suppose that means?"

"Is it the alternator?" Snodgram continued, as helpless as a newborn. "I heard Fords have notorious alternators. Also what's an alternator, is that where the gas goes?"

A neighbor stopped by after seeing the open car hood and offered assistance by standing next to Snodgram and staring at the clicking engine. He then went the extra mile by suggesting they close the hood and lift it again to see if that would help.

It did not.

At publishing time, Derrick Snodgram's wife had been seen staring at their printer, thus exhausting her knowledge of how to get it to print.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.