LA JOLLA, CA — Local man Josiah Burt veered dangerously close to ending his day in peace after hours of productive work, family time, and spiritual sensitivity. Reports say that while brushing his teeth, he visited Twitter, barely saving him from a sense of calm and well-being lasting into bedtime.

"In a span of less than two minutes of scrolling, I saw a fistfight, clear evidence of a Satanic new world order, and had my faith ruthlessly mocked," said Mr. Burt. "I'm just glad I got on Twitter in time, or I would have been able to drift off to sleep in peace!"

According to sources, Mr. Burt has now on several occasions escaped moments of potential hopefulness and tranquility by logging onto Twitter. "Just the other day, I almost had the mental bandwidth to begin reading Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton," said Mr. Burt. "I could have had clarity, spiritual encouragement and common sense poured into my brain. Fortunately, my phone buzzed, and I quickly descended instead into a spiral of reading asinine, hateful comments that were 'liked' by hundreds of thousands of people. I spent the next hour enrolling my children in boarding school and figuring out what it takes to become Amish."

Mr. Burt's wife has also reported that Twitter serves as helpful little hits of rage, which she can put to good use at times. "If he's struggling to open a jar or something, I just let him scroll Twitter for a couple of minutes until he's filled with fury," said Mrs. Burt. "It really works wonders. He used to be able to fall right asleep, but now he stares anxiously at the ceiling for hours. For people who need some more anxiety in their lives, it's a wonder drug."

At publishing time, Mr. Burt had given his kids access to TikTok, barely avoiding the normal development of his children's brains.

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