LOS ANGELES, CA — In a rare public statement, The Prince of Darkness has distanced himself from last night's Grammys performance by Sam Smith, which he denounced as "cringy" and "appalling."
"Listen, folks, I enjoy demonic sexual perversion just as much as the next guy, but this is just too much," said the frustrated Father of Lies. "I'm the god of this world! I appear as an angel of light! It's supposed to be sneaky and subtle! Has Hollywood lost its ability to be subtle? What on earth happened to this town?"
"And how am I supposed to corrupt the next generation when no one watches this garbage anymore?" he lamented. "At least I still have TikTok."
Sources close to nonbinary gay performer Sam Smith revealed the singer is "extremely disappointed" by the Devil's reaction. "We worked for weeks on this loving ode to our evil master! WEEKS! And he doesn't even like it? What do we have to do to get our Unholy Father to notice us? WAaaaaaaa!"
Sam Smith then started dancing harder and singing louder while cutting himself with knives in hopes the Evil One would hear him.
Satan then urged the world to "please ignore these weirdos" and focus on the important work of protecting reproductive freedom while fighting for diversity, equity, and inclusion.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
