ANNAPOLIS, MD — A local man is celebrating after his bathroom scale confirmed he had met his ambitious fitness goal of gaining only 9 pounds over the Thanksgiving weekend.
"Yessss!" exclaimed the man as he adjusted the scale with one hand and demolished a leftover turkey leg with the other. "Less than 10 pounds of Thanksgiving weight gain! NEW RECORD, BABY! WOOOOO!"
The man then did a celebratory jump in the air before immediately clutching his sides, as they were extremely cramped from the bowl of stuffing and sweet potato pie he had just consumed.
Sources say that although the man ate over 182 pounds of Thanksgiving cuisine over the last several days, his stringent exercise plan and hard work resulted in an astonishingly small 9 pounds of additional body fat.
The man confirmed his next goal is to lose 5 of those pounds before gaining another 15 pounds at Christmas.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
