COVINGTON, LA — With the monkeypox virus plague tearing its way through gay bathhouses and teachers' lounges across the country, one desperate man hung a "straight pride" flag on his doorposts in hopes that the plague will pass over his household.
"While the monkeypox plague strikes our neighbors, we'll be protected — and the Angel of Monkeypox Death will pass over us," said local advertising executive Marcus Smithson to members of the press in front of his newly-protected home, puffing out his chest with pride as he gestured to the orange-and-black banner behind him.
"After COVID, gas prices, all the financial judgment we've endured for the last few years, we decided it was time to prepare for whatever crescendo of devastation was coming." Smithson added that despite some neighbors touting alternative preparation methods, "this flag will make sure no same-sex funny business enters these doors."
At publishing time, Smithson was safe from Monkeypox but had his house burned down by activists for hanging the "homophobic" flag.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
