HUNTSVILLE, AL — A local man left no room for debate among onlookers today, as his drinking Bud Light and listening to country music made it abundantly obvious to everyone who saw him that he was, in fact, gay. Though he was apparently unaware of it himself, he was assured by people nearby that it was official.
"There's no doubt about it. He's super gay," said one witness who saw the man sitting in a pile of hay listening to Kelsea Ballerini's "Heartfirst" and enjoying an ice-cold Bud Light. "Nobody who does those things could possibly be heterosexual or even masculine in any way."
In years gone by, men who were clearly gay could be identified as such by wearing feather boas, sporting eyeliner, and listening to Lady Gaga, but times have changed. With country music celebrating LGBTQ lifestyles and Bud Light hiring Dylan Mulvaney as a spokesperson, millions of previously manly, heterosexual men are now readily identifiable as totally, totally gay.
"Bud Light has been my go-to beer for years," said Brad Anderson. "And I grew up listening to country music. But today, somebody told me that those things clearly identify me as a gay. I had no idea!" Despite his employment as a construction worker and his love for watching NASCAR races, Anderson was notified that his homosexuality was now undeniable.
At publishing time, Anderson was debating with himself internally whether to find a new beer and change his musical tastes, or instead resign himself to his new status as a very obviously, absolutely gay man.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.