ALTADENA, CA — Local man Brian Reiner was raised in the church and remains a Christian to this day. But he recently ran into "a real conundrum," in that he realized this means he may face persecution in an increasingly secular world.
But Reiner quickly discovered a clever workaround: if he acts exactly like the world, never tells anyone about his faith, and just generally ensures that no one ever finds out that he's a Christian, he won't ever face any kind of trials or tribulations whatsoever.
"It's the perfect plan," Reiner told reporters while working at his cubicle Thursday. The graphic design company where he works is full of artists and other creatives who wouldn't take too kindly to someone who follows Jesus's radical ideas of forgiveness and grace. But, according to Reiner, when he mimics the behavior, mannerisms, and language of everyone around him, he blends right in, and he completely avoids any kind of mistreatment for the sake of Christ. "These chumps are none the wiser, and then I don't risk making any kind of sacrifices for Jesus."
"Hey, Jen, did you catch House of the Dragon last night? Classic!" Reiner said while grabbing a cup of coffee. "Love looking at boobs! In no way do I have any kind of moral issue with that because of any sort of faith in objective morals or anything. That'd be totally lame!"
"[Expletive]!" he added for good measure.
Reiner had "a close call" last week when a coworker noticed the Bible he'd accidentally left on his Toyota Tacoma's dashboard, but he "thought fast" and told his coworker he was "holding it for my lame mom who's into that kind of stuff."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
