LANSING, MI — Mr. Charles Reginald celebrated his 40th birthday in style today, cracking open a finely aged, single malt bottle of Advil.
"Ah, sweet relief - and with pleasant notes of oak and orange peel," said Mr. Reginald as he tore open the seal. "Mm, this will pair perfectly with my new orthotic back pillow."
A frequent purveyor of fine non-steroidals, Mr. Reginald had saved this particular bottle of Advil for a special occasion. "This is truly a rare find," he explained, settling onto his heating pad. "This ibuprofen has been aged for 12 years in plastic bottles that come exclusively from the lower Appalachian region of West Virginia. You can really taste the terrain."
After years of celebrating birthdays with golf outings and dinners, Mr. Reginald has opted for a different theme this year. "He asked to start the day with breakfast in bed, because he literally couldn't move," said Mrs. Reginald. "He eventually did make it the couch to watch some baseball, and spent the next three hours snoring like a freight train. Birthdays are starting to look just a tad different."
Buzzing hard on his Advil, at publishing time Mr. Reginald was delightedly walking around the house like a functional human.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
