HOLLISTER, MO—In a casual discussion with a business associate while waiting for an appointment, local believer Jim Laurel mentioned that he had “chosen Jesus” over fifteen years ago, prompting Calvinist Peter Lance to jump out from behind a catalog display and begin to lecture him.
It wasn’t immediately clear how long Lance had been waiting in the company’s lobby, as the staunch Calvinist would only say that he was predestined from eternity past to be there at the right moment to launch into a theology debate with the unsuspecting Christian.
“I know you don’t really go for the whole God thing,” the believer began as he attempted to begin a discussion about the gospel with his unsaved coworker, entirely unaware that a Calvinist was mere inches away, waiting for the right moment to strike. “But I gotta tell you: I just can’t believe how much my life changed since I chose to follow Christ all those years ago.”
“Actually,” Lance began, leaping out from behind the sales display, “God preordained your salvation before the foundations of the world. Your so-called ‘choice’ had nothing to do with it!”
The frightened salesmen attempted to escape, but Lance wouldn’t be deterred, following them out the front of the building, lecturing them on Reformed theology as they frantically locked the door on their BMW and drove off. But Lance wouldn’t be rid of that easily, and popped up in the salesman’s back seat as he continued to drone on and on about the five points of Calvinism.
At publishing time, police had confirmed the Calvinist man had lectured for nearly three hours, leaving his victims with his calling card, a copy of What Is Reformed Theology? by R.C. Sproul, before disappearing without a trace.