DODGE CITY, KS — A local man has developed an ingenious method to avoid messy audits from the Internal Revenue Service by simply labeling all of his Venmo transactions as "payment to Ukraine."
"It's the perfect way to save me a bunch of headaches," said Bill Randle. "I buy a lot of stuff that might raise some red flags from the feds — guns, ammo, large stockpiles of ivermectin — so I really needed a way to avoid getting totally screwed over by the IRS. Then it occurred to me — Ukraine! The government is all about sending every penny it can to Ukraine, so if I tell them everything I'm paying for is going to Ukraine, I'll never have to hear about it!"
Over the last year, the United States has made a habit of sending enormous funding packages to Ukraine, ostensibly to pay for the Eastern European nation's ongoing war with Russia, with little to no oversight taking place on the money being sent. When reached for comment, a representative for the Internal Revenue Service confirmed that no attention will be paid to any civilian transactions if they are clearly earmarked for Ukraine. "Yeah, we'll never even glance at it," said IRS auditor Steve Reeves. "You can buy a duffle bag full of fentanyl from a Mexican cartel, and if you label it in Venmo as ‘payment to Ukraine,' we'll totally let it go."
At publishing time, Randle was hoping to make the most of his newfound Venmo loophole. "I'm working on figuring out a way to become an illegal arms dealer," he said. "Everyone else is making a fortune moving weapons while using Ukraine as cover, why not me?"
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