DETROIT, MI — Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg recently purchased female crash test dummies in order to restore gender equity in automobile crash testing and safety. Researchers are still unsure how to extract helpful data from the female dummy, however, as after each crash she simply shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know how the crash happened.
"Female crash dummies are completely different, and their minds are complex webs of emotion that collect and process trillions of data points per second, so we knew implementing a female crash dummy would be a challenge," said GM VP of Safety Craig Duvall. "We know she knows what happened, but she just isn't ready to tell us."
Crash test experts, who are used to the simplicity and directness of the male dummies, tried various tactics to try to get the female dummy to give them any usable data.
"So sweetheart, how was your day?" began one tester at GM's proving grounds.
"UGH. Sweetheart? SERIOUSLY?" replied the dummy. "Fine. My day was fine. I'm fine."
He knew her day had not been fine as he had strapped her into a Chevy Volt and sent her careening at 80 mph into a brick wall, totaling the car and leaving her with a crushed arm, cracked skull, and a missing foot. However, when he attempted to read her sensors, they all said "Fine."
At press time, Transportation Secretary Buttigieg had scrapped the plans to use female dummies as it is "not yet possible with today's technology" and authorized the male dummies to identify as female dummies in order to speed things up and save $20 Million.
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