NEW YORK, NY — Legendary Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers has officially signed with the New York Jets, confirming his retirement from professional football.
"You have to know when to walk away," said Rodgers. "I'm excited to put on a New York Jets jersey, and leave pro football in the rearview mirror."
Sources inside the Jets organization were reportedly shocked to receive the word from Rodgers. "How much peyote is he smoking??" asked General Manager Joe Douglas. "Eh, who cares. Even if he's high, just to have a legend like Rodgers on the field with us amateurs - it's going to be amazing. I know the NFL will be sad to lose him, but their loss is our gain."
Rodgers took months to make a final decision, laboring over whether it was time to hang up his cleats. "Professional football is an incredible grind," said Rodgers. "I've enjoyed my career tremendously, but in the end, I realized I was done with all the film watching, the practicing - that endless pursuit of perfection. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about any of that with the Jets. It's going to be an amazing change of pace."
At publishing time, Aaron Rodgers had asked if anyone had some psychedelics because he just sobered up enough to realize he had actually signed with the New York Jets.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
