GOLDEN VALLEY, MN — Move aside, purple horseshoes! General Mills announced today an exciting new addition to their Lucky Charms marshmallow lineup: Ukraine Flag charms, available for a limited time only.
"All the proceeds from this special edition of Lucky Charms go to Ukraine, much like your taxes," said General Mills CEO Jeff Harmening. "Now, with every bite of the delicious, nutritious Lucky Charms cereal, you're getting yourself ready for the day - and you're energizing the brave soldiers of Ukraine to go punch Putin in the face."
"Take a bite out of Putin!"
In a new commercial for the special edition of Lucky Charms, Lucky the Leprechaun is replaced by a cartoon version of Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, who follows a rainbow to find a magical pot full of new Abrams tanks, missile launchers, and anti-air batteries. "They're magically destructive! Yipee! Mamma mia! Wait, what ethnicity was I supposed to be again?" he says happily as he rides along the rainbow. "Wheeeeeee!!!"
The cereal company also reminded customers that supporting Ukraine "is part of a balanced breakfast, just like sugar, corn starch, modified corn starch, corn syrup, trisodium phosphate, and red 40."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
