PLATTSVILLE, IA - According to sources close to local man Christopher Benson, the Christian read his Bible this morning and scoffed at how dumb the Israelites were for continually returning to their idols before he went off to worship his modern-day idols throughout the day.

"These Israelites sure were dumb for worshiping something other than God," scoffed the man who wastes hours of his life on social media every day, obsesses over his favorite college football team, and spends way too much money on material things in an attempt to keep himself content and satisfied. "I'm, like, screaming at them the whole time I'm reading, 'Hey, dummies! Don't you remember how God just saved you from Egypt! Come on, man!'"

"It's almost like there's some lesson in there for modern believers, but I haven't figured out what it is yet. I mean, it's just the Old Testament, so there's probably nothing applicable there."

Benson pointed out that God intervened miraculously in the Israelites' story time and time again, and yet they kept turning their backs on Him. "It's like, if I were them, I'd definitely worship Yahweh alone and not turn to all these other, false gods," he said, shaking his head and closing his Bible before going about the rest of his day as though there were no God.