SARASOTA, FL - After suffering under Pipeline Church's "redonkulously slow" 3 Mbps internet connection for years, local teen Xander Medford finally got an appointment with Pastor John Wylie, at which the youth passionately argued that upgrading the church's WiFi is actually a gospel issue.
The teenager calls himself a "social activist" who advocates for important gospel-centered causes like making sure the church has fast enough internet for him to browse Instagram during the services.
"If you don't see the need to get us at least up to a 100-megabit download speed, you are preaching an incomplete gospel," the teen implored the pastor at their scheduled meeting Wednesday afternoon. "I call on you to repent of your years of keeping your head in the sand on these issues, and to get on the horn with Frontier right away to get us some righteous fiber optic connection speeds."
"A high ping is evidence of an unchanged heart," he added.
Finally, the pastor relented and repented of his "grievous blind spot" in the "important gospel issue" of church WiFi speeds, sources confirmed.
At publishing time, Medford had also begun to argue that purchasing an Xbox One and throwing lots of Fortnite game nights were also "issues near and dear to the heart of Jesus."