Man Has A Few Days Left To Be A Disgusting Slob Before Completely Turning Life Around On January 1st
Lifestyle · Dec 29, 2020 ·

KANSAS CITY, MO - According to sources, local man Jason Greenman is enjoying his last few days of living like an utterly debased and filthy slob before his anticipated turnaround comes on January 1st. 

"Yeah-- January 1st! That will be the day my life changes forever!" said Greenman while eating a breakfast of Christmas cookies, leftover ham, pumpkin pie, and beer. "It's gonna be great! I'm going to get in the best shape of my life, read at least 30 books, get that promotion at work, start reading that Bible again! But first I need to clean out all these leftovers and re-watch The Office and every Indiana Jones movie. Then, it's 'go' time!"

Sources say Greenman spent the last 11 months building bad habits which he will instantly break without hesitation as soon as the clock strikes midnight on New Year's Eve. He has prepared for the big day by fishing his old gym shorts from the laundry so they'll be ready for his first life-altering workout.

"My life will never be the same again," said Greenman to his wife while smashing an entire pizza.

Local news crews will be on hand at the local gym at the beginning of the year to chronicle Jason's epic journey to total competence, health, and manliness. There will also be food trucks waiting outside, just in case.


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