Spring is almost here. We think. We're not really sure since we've all been locked inside our homes since last spring. Anyway, now is the time when Ring Before Spring takes over all the Bible colleges and young men start proposing left and right. Some of our readers might be wondering: how should I propose to my girlfriend? We asked love experts like Gary Chapman, our youth pastor, and Joshua Harris, and compiled these ten tips for proposing to your woman:
- Propose at church camp. You just met her 5 days ago, and now you're guaranteed literally weeks of happiness together.
- Never fall for the old 7-years-of-hard-labor trick. This is a classic tactic among wily fathers-in-law. They get you to work the field for seven years and then give you the wrong woman. D'oh!
- Skip the ring -- just get her a nice Bible commentary instead. Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, so she doesn't need more of that anyway. Consider giving her a MacArthur commentary so she can learn to fear the Lord! Chicks dig dispensationalism!
- Propose in a biblical way, like by giving her father hundreds of Philistine foreskins. You'll win over her heart and the heart of her father at the same time with this great gift.
- Don't ask her to marry you. Tell her instead. After all, a good wife is supposed to submit to the husband in everything. This is a good early test to give while you can still back out!
- Commit to no sidehugs before marriage. Save that for your wedding night.
- Don't get down on one knee, lest she think you're protesting racial injustice. This action is reserved for protesting during the National Anthem. It's also cultural appropriation of formerly employed NFL quarterbacks. EXCEPTION: If you're proposing while the National Anthem plays at an NFL game, this is acceptable.
- Make sure you perfectly document the moment on social media, even if you have to redo it thirty-seven times. The Bible says it doesn't count without witnesses, and there's no better way to get witnesses than to take the perfect photos for Instagram.
- Don't take her to a nearby park while she's visiting you at your parents' house, then start going through a book full of conversations to have before engagement only to feign getting distracted by this Babylon Bee article which you read to this point before stopping, then tell her that you love her and propose. This one may seem oddly specific, but don't question it. It's as important as all the other reasons.
- Propose by bribing the Babylon Bee writers to publish an article for you. This is a great idea! Write an article with a title like "10 Tips for Proposing to your Girlfriend," pay The Babylon Bee writers well, and then convince your girlfriend to sit down with you and read the article during your daily Babylon Bee devotionals. She'll definitely say yes if you try this one!
So there you have it! Follow these tips -- especially numbers 9 and 10 -- and this could be the beginning of a beautiful rest of your life together!
Babylon Bee subscriber Jackson Baker contributed to this report. If you want to pitch your own headline ideas to our staff, click here to check out all of our membership options!