DALLAS, TX—Calling every single minute point of theology he holds to “a hill to die on,” local man Nicholas Gibson is still bravely refusing to compromise on nearly every minor issue he discusses, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Gibson’s steadfastness was reportedly put to the test Sunday when his pastor suggested he wasn’t entirely sure about the existence of the plenary genitive. Remembering a podcast he had heard on this very issue several years ago, Gibson proceeded to let the pastor know he was in the wrong, and would need to publicly repent if Gibson were to remain a member of the church.
“As our Savior stood boldly before the Sanhedrin and refused to recant, so I now make my stand,” Gibson later texted the confused pastor, who wasn’t even sure what he was talking about. “I just don’t know if I can be part of a church that’s flat-out wrong on this issue that’s central to the gospel,” the man who doesn’t read koine Greek at all bravely continued before being asked to please stop texting the pastor past midnight.
Gibson’s faithful convictions even extend to his home life, as evidenced by recent conversations with his wife over whether Paul is the author of Hebrews. “It makes sense to me, but I’ll need some time to work through the issue,” she said thoughtfully, awakening the courageous theological warrior within him.
“I thought you loved me,” Gibson reportedly told his wife. “Yet here you are, defiantly refusing my leadership of this household on an essential issue of the faith.”
At publishing time, Gibson had started multiple doctrinal debates on various online forums and Facebook groups, wherein the theological martyr refused to consider other points of view while demanding repentance from all who differed from his stated “non-negotiable” positions on issues ranging from which Bible translation is best to whether or not people can wear jeans to church.
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