ROCHESTER, NY — Local man Gary Simpson channeled all the rage and power of Caesar passing judgment in the Colosseum as he left a brutal one-star review on a toaster oven he bought on Amazon.
"This product is trash," Consumer Gary Simpson wrote with noble fury. "I plugged it in and it put off this terrible smell. And when I put my bread in to toast it, it charred it black in like five seconds. I would not recommend anyone buy this toaster oven."
Simpson then surveyed his work with an eye like unto Caesar at the great coliseum and hit "post" with great satisfaction. "I condemn thee to death, Rightways Five-setting Toaster Oven. May no other man make the grave mistake I did in bringing you into his house."
Simpson then turned his eye to another recent purchase; a 6-pack of PUMA athletic tube socks. "Shall I condemn these socks to a similar fate?" he asked his wife, his thumb precariously out to the side.
"Why are you talking like that?" she asked.
At publishing time, a compassionate Simpson had decided the tube socks could live to fight another day.
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