CHICAGO, IL — Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot lost her bid for reelection this week in what Lightfoot and other critics are calling a blatant example of the rampant murderphobia that still exists among residents of the city.
"Murderphobia is still an unfortunate reality here in Chicago, and it is the reason I was not reelected as this city's mayor," said Lightfoot to reporters. "People were so busy being afraid of being shot in the face by gang members that they forgot about what an amazing mayor I was. Let me be clear: murderphobia is racist. Murderphobia is bigoted. Murderphobia is NOT ok. Full stop."
Lightfoot has pledged to spend the next few years fighting against murderphobia in all its forms, as well as taxes-phobia, regulations-phobia, and stabbed-in-the-neck-by-a-homeless-guy-phobia.
"My unfair and tragic election loss because of bigotry is a sad day for Chicago," Lightfoot continued as she dodged several stray bullets that whizzed over her head. "And all because of fear. So sad."
At publishing time, Chicago's new mayor had vowed to fight against Chicago's policephobia.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
