SEATTLE, WA — Lifelong Pearl Jam fan Dirk Ledbetter announced a huge personal achievement this weekend on a grunge music forum, claiming he was close to figuring out three of Pearl Jam's lyrics.
"Big news my flannel pals, I'm totally stoked at getting a third lyric figured out, I think," said Ledbetter, "I've been head-banging my head against the wall trying to get to this point, but man, worth it."
Ledbetter continued, explaining how it wasn't until 2008 that he realized the songs had words in them after playing "Even Flow" at ultra-slow speeds and running it through a computer program and hearing what he swore to be the word "butterflies."
"Who'd have known that this lyrical genius was writing actual lyrics!"
This crazy discovery sent him down the rabbit hole, as he described spending years dissecting the mysterious vocal undulations of "Daughter," "Better Man," and "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town." It wasn't until 2013 he learned of another audible word, "Jeremy", being vaguely pronounced in the song "Jeremy" from the band's hit single release, Jeremy.
When asked to comment on the astounding news of a fan understanding a handful of lyrics, Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder responded, "Werl, thurspur gren gorana murph."
At publishing time, Ledbetter had edited his post with the grave news he was totally wrong about the third lyric, as "Unsealedonaporchalettersat" was not an actual word.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
