BOSTON, MA—Clad in his favorite Sunday Gadsden flag T-shirt, local libertarian believer John Revere reportedly screamed, “AM I BEING DETAINED!?!” to every person who attempted to shake his hand during the greeting time at Beech Reformed Church over the weekend.
He bellowed the phrase at the top of his lungs to each of the fourteen people who happily greeted him and grabbed his hand during the mandatory time of saying hello, witnesses confirmed.
“Hi, how was your we—” one man said just before Revere replied “AM I BEING DETAINED? AM I BEING DETAINED? AM I BEING DETAINED?” repeatedly before the man finally scurried away in a fright. Several other victims followed, each one immediately rebuffed by Revere’s rock-solid strategy of ensuring his person or property wouldn’t be unlawfully searched or seized.
“You can’t be too careful,” he said. “Deep-state government shills are everywhere, and as soon as you let your guard down, you find yourself in a dungeon getting waterboarded at Guantanamo Bay.”
At publishing time, Revere had signed up for the monthly potluck using a fake name and identity so that he wouldn’t be put into “the system,” as well as tithed his 10% to the church using an untrackable crypto-currency, sources confirmed.