U.S.—After some confusion was expressed by casual observers of apparent hypocrisy in their denunciation of Dave Chappelle's most recent comedy special, liberals from around the country clarified that they only want black voices to be heard when those voices are saying liberal-approved things.
The offended white progressives asked black comedian Dave Chappelle to "keep it down" and "maybe not talk so much" after his comments made them feel uncomfortable, sources confirmed Thursday.
"Yeah, we're glad you're a minority and we're happy that your black voice is being heard," said Zender Mollison, 32, Portland, he/him, in an open letter to Chappelle. "But you're not saying the right things." Mollison then offered to send Chappelle a list of the things that are OK for black people to say, such as that white people are evil, that everyone should be canceled for literally anything they tweeted a decade ago, and that Donald Trump is Hitler.
"When black people agree with me, I very much want their voices to be heard," said Helga Bannerman, 28, Portland, she/they/her/xen. "When they don't agree with me, they're pretty much just not black anymore. They're basically an evil white person like me at that point. And the last thing we need on this planet is more white people like Dave Chappelle."
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.