HOUSTON, TX - Local liberal man Porter Wendell has learned about the latest COVID wave and is beginning to grow worried that it might be too mild to use to push his leftist takeover agenda.
The man stated his concern that many people won't even know they have this version of COVID as it is so mild, rendering his political movement's plans to use the virus to push a leftist takeover of all branches of government moot.
"This new wave seems to be dangerously unnoticeable," Wendell said in a video posted to TikTok. "If the symptoms are this mild, how will we be able to force the issue of guaranteed payments from the government, mail-in voting, and mandatory masking across the board? It just isn't scary enough for our purposes, and that's really worrying."
"I really wish it just had a little more oomph - give us some kind of cough or breathing problems or something." Wendell went on to list some things he wished this wave would have, including more deaths, more cases, more visible symptoms, and just generally more misery than it has shown so far.
"Oh well. Maybe next wave," he said sadly as he looked out the window at the outside world, which he hasn't participated in since March of 2020.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
