MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA — Several members of the household staff of Gerald C. Pennyworth IV report that their employer, a white liberal, was recently rendered "extremely put-out" after he chanced to look out the window of his private jet and saw a number of cows causing climate change.
According to sources, Pennyworth began raving about how cows and cow farmers seemed to be set on destroying our planet while storming up and down the aisle of his private airplane, which was burning about 11 gallons of jet fuel a minute.
"It really unnerved him," said Spencer, Pennyworth's private butler. "He started ranting about how all of the cow-produced methane was contributing to global warming, and we really were only able to calm him down by having him look at pictures of his sports car collection and promising him a bison burger when his private jet touched down."
"THOSE ABSOLUTE MONSTERS!" squeaked Pennyworth when asked for comment. "Do they not understand that their cows' flatulence is going to change our climate? Climate change is real! Science is real! Hail science! Tax the cows! Tax the cows! SCIENCE!"
At publishing time, Pennyworth was unavailable for further comment, as he needed to go supervise the refueling of his private Crystal Skye jet before his cross-country flight to go on a cruise on his 350-foot yacht.
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