WASHINGTON, DC — In a clever move to encourage an embattled Biden to relinquish his position, Democrat leaders convinced the President he had already stepped down yesterday.
"There's no shame in bowing out while you're so ahead," Nancy Pelosi told Joe Biden. "You're at the top of your game, Joe. It's great that you agreed to step down and hand over the reins to someone a little more…alive. Thank you for making that decision all on your own…because you did. Remember?"
Democrats spent the better part of Sunday convincing the President that stepping down was his idea and reminding him he said he'd bow out of the election and hand over power to either Gretchen Whitmer, Gavin Newsom, Michelle Obama, The Monopoly Man, or three members of Hamas stacked on top of each other wearing a trenchcoat but definitely NOT Kamala Harris.
"Yes, I do remember saying all that. That does sound like me," Biden commented to a nearby houseplant. "What are you gonna do about it, little plant boy? Whahtiergohrrrghhh. Biden out."
As of publishing time, Jill Biden could be seen supergluing her husband to the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and screaming at aides to barricade the doors.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
