U.S. — In the wake of the uproar following the president's disappointing debate performance and subsequent rumors that he was insistent on staying in the race, the media apologized for briefly reporting the truth about Biden last week.
Multiple media outlets expressed shock and consternation following the presidential debate, describing President Biden as confused, unfit, and incompetent before backtracking and apologizing profusely for their short spell of accurately reporting on his mental capacity.
"We have no excuse for our objective and accurate reporting last week," said CNN anchor Anderson Cooper as he read a prepared statement. "In the hours and days following last week's debate, we in the media made the mistake of upholding our journalistic duty and portraying President Biden as being mentally unfit for office and calling on him to step down for the good of the country. We were wrong. We neglected our responsibility to spread state-sponsored propaganda and create a false narrative following the debate, and for that, we are deeply sorry. We promise to do better."
The American public was stunned to see prominent members of the news media openly discussing facts and conveying the truth without any regard for the regime-approved talking points they were supposed to be parroting. "It's like they forgot to do their jobs," one concerned citizen said. "I saw a group of people acting like respectable journalists on national television. It was horrifying."
At publishing time, the media issued another statement recommitting themselves to defeating Donald Trump and helping Joe Biden get re-elected whether he is still alive in November or not.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
