WASHINGTON, D.C. — In another landmark decision, the Supreme Court of the United States has just voted 6-3 that President Biden never had a six handicap.
The majority opinion was authored by Justice Clarence Thomas, while Justices Barrett, Alito, and Kavanaugh also wrote concurring opinions. Justices Sotomayor, Kagan, and Jackson all dissented vehemently, although Justice Sotomayor's dissenting opinion was not released, as it seemed to have been written in crayon on the back of an Arby's napkin.
"This court finds no basis or justification for President Biden's claim of a six handicap, either in the Constitution or in reality," wrote Justice Thomas in his majority opinion. "As Biden has never shot six strokes over par on any golf course in any reliably documented instance, we, the Supreme Court of the United States, rule that he may not claim a six handicap."
In an interview, Justice Sotomayor spoke out against the decision, stating that she "went into her office, closed the door, and cried" after the decision was released. However, the ruling has been praised by both legal analysts and golf commentators alike, with many agreeing that the decision is "one of the Court's greatest defenses of democracy yet."
At publishing time, the Supreme Court had also ruled 8-1 that Justice Sotomayor should recuse herself from all future decisions due to "unmitigated buffoonery and blatant stupidity," with only Justice Kagan dissenting.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
